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学生版本(6分)：Violent crime is more common phenomenon in the modern city, some people claim that police carrying with guns would promote it, but I don't reckon there is no necessary link between them.
修改后版本: 7分示范 Violent crime is a rare phenomenon in modern cities. While some people claim that policemen carrying with guns would stimulate this violation, I still reckon that these two parties are closely relevant and conversely, the armed policemen would benefit to social security.
考生作文解析：Violent crime is more common phenomenon (暴力犯罪是很少见的，但是有些学生很随便的“模板”思维就说，这是个很寻常的事情，殊不知这给考官会留下很差的逻辑不严谨的印象。需要修改为：a rare phenomenon 不符合常情) in the modern city, some people claim that police carrying with guns would promote(stimulate 用词不准确)it, but I don't reckon there is no necessary link between them.
修改后版本: 7分示范 Violent crime is a rare phenomenon in modern cities.(背景句要符合事实，客观细化描述) While some people claim that policemen carrying with guns would stimulate this ( 用代词指代前面出现的名词，是高分作文的特点，能增加句子和句子之间衔接的力度) violation( 词汇的多样性体现), i still reckon (表达观点时候，先写对方然后写自己能够句子之间的逻辑，是批判性思维的体现) that these two parties (用代词指代前面出现的名词，是高分作文的特点，能增加句子和句子之间衔接的力度) are closely relevant and conversely, the armed policemen would benefit to social security. (学会写并列句and thus ,and therefore, and conversely 能有效增加句子展开的力度
学 生版本(6分)：There are several elements which could effect people’s job satisfaction. Firstly, salary is the ...