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As is shown in the picture the humans (加who are)divided alone keep contact with each other by internet. Every one owns a computer ,which is their mainly(mainly为副词，用来修饰动词;mean为名词，需要用形容词来修饰，可改为main) mean(改为way或means，mean为“平均值，意思”;而means为“手段，方法”) to contact out(改为with the outside world).In addition,there are spider net between everyone(改为it just like a spider net),which lead the people alone.The picture revealed(时态保持一致，改为reveals) a current social phenomenon that people dependent(改为depend，从句谓语部分应用动词) extravagantly on the internet rather than the normal conversation. The spider net is a great metaphor of the soul-wall(改为the gap between two hearts),which alienate(改为alienates，保持主谓一致)us,meanwhile,it is a net relate(改为relate to) us. What’s more(加逗号) worrisome(改为the worrisome thing;worrisome为形容词，不能做主语) is that they not only contact with strangers with(改为by，by表示“通过某种方式”) the net,but also families. It is a dangerous game! Maybe,it would make the families destruction(改为destructive,注意make sb./sth. + adj.的正确使用).In my opinion,though the association in internet itself gives little cause for criticism(句子表意不清，建议改为the internet itself should not give much criticism),people should use it in a proper way. Chatting with strangers or distant fellows by computer is OK,but it is indispensable for us to use it in(改为with) close friends. To have a good result,the society should encourage the people to focus more on the real world and the people themselves should enrich their lives and thoughts.
编辑点评
本篇文章存在一些简单的语法错误，且说服力不够强。作者在写作完之后若可以花费几分钟时间来回读文章，并查字典或语法书，把自己不确定的都弄清楚，那么便会减少不必要的失分。不管什么问题，只有自己查了，才能更好地掌握，希望你在以后的写作中能够多注重基础知识，比如句子的构成。然后可以积累一些好的词句，并将其运用到自己的练习之中，为自己的文章增彩。
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